Friday, March 10, 2017

Word of the day: exercise


Exercise: (n) activity requiring physical effort, carried out especially to sustain or improve health and fitness or just if you enjoy being tortured.

It's Friday.

It's pay day.

It's bonus day.

It's a good day.

What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Oh, yeah. You don't recognize me, because I haven't written a post in a hundred million years. My bad. Whatever, I'm back for now.

So like I was saying, it's Friday. D is at baseball practice, M is at her friend's house, B is playing video games and J decided he wanted to go to the rec center to play basketball with his buddy like he does several times a week. I'm all for these children getting out and being active, so off we went to the rec center. Right before we turned in his buddy called and said the basketball courts were closed, but he wanted to know if J would stay with him and his dad to work out in the gym. I was like, whatever, I just wanna go home and eat my sandwich.

J said, "No, mama, you have to come in and sign a form saying it's ok for me to work out because I'm not 18 yet." I cringed hard at that, knowing that I in my braless state with Nick Nolte mug shot hair should probably not be seen in public, but again, whatever. I went in and filled out and signed the form as quickly as I could, but right when I turned to leave the lady at the desk called out, "Wait, you have to stay and go through orientation with him."

I slowly turned around and suffered through that moment of horror when you see or hear something terrifying and for a split second time stops and the world ceases to exist and in a stupor you wonder what fresh hell you are in. Kind of like the time when my brother and I were little and our grandmother made Sloppy Joe's and we both realized mid-bite that she had put raisins in them. Raisins! WHO DOES THAT?

Anyhoo, that's what happened to me tonight. I had that slow motion "oh god no" moment because not only did I have to actually step foot in the rec center building rather than just dumping my kid out while my truck was still rolling, but then I had to GO INTO THE GYM AREA PLACE WHERE THE WORKOUT MACHINE DEVICES AND THE SWEATY ATHLETIC PEOPLE LIVE. OH GOD NO. OH GOD. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

I think I blacked out for a minute because the next thing I remember, I was standing next to my kid and his friend and his friend's dad in this foreign, scary place listening to a gentleman say a lot of words, none of which I really paid attention to but you can bet your ass I kept cutting eyes at my kid to make sure HE was listening with the respect this gentleman deserved. The man gestured to a large metal device, saying, "This one does blah blah blah, see the diagram here? It shows in red that it blah blah blah so you know how to whatever and stuff." My kid listened raptly, while I stood wistfully thinking about my sandwich. This went on for ten or so minutes when (and ok, I'm not gonna lie, at this part my heart actually swooned a little) my boy thanked the man for the orientation and stuck his hand out so he could shake hands. I wish I could say my heart swooned because my kid was being so polite and grown up but really it's because I recognized that the handshake meant the orientation was over and I could go home to my sandwich. I bid my child and his friend and his friend's dad adieu and bolted out of that place like Satan himself was chasing me (which he pretty much was).

I'm in my safe place now - my corner of the couch, ensconced in my Vera Bradley blanket with naught but crumbs left on the plate my sandwich was on and a nice stiff glass of whiskey and Coke beside me. I wish I was the person who actually looked forward to going to the gym, but at this moment in my life I am not that person and tonight was scary.

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