Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Word of the day: cake

Cake: (n) an item of soft, sweet food made from a mixture of flour, shortening, eggs, sugar, and other ingredients, baked and often decorated. Cake is frequently consumed in frightening quantities by people experiencing high levels of emotions. Not that the author of this definition would know anything about that.

Hi guys! Remember me?

I'm back...

My fat little dog Rosie has gotten even fatter and no less little here lately. She's on very expensive diet food that has over the course of several months helped her to gain several pounds. I am FED UP with listening to her rant and rave like a lunatic through the house for hours upon hours because she wants us to feed her, so I took M and D with me to PetSmart and we picked out a cushy dog bed and a crate in which to place Rosie when she's being a butthole. Hopefully this will make her understand that we are only going to feed her in the morning and at night and she will magically drop some weight and become the Chihuahua she's always dreamed of being! I'm pretty sure part of the problem is that Granny always fed Rosie bits and pieces of her food no matter how often we asked her not to, and now that Granny's gone Rosie doesn't know where the snacks have gone and she's letting us know she doesn't like it. Also she's a greedy pig.

After an exhilarating trip to PetSmart which included looking at lizards and snakes and begging for chinchillas and cats and goldfish and the cute little angry looking finches and glow in the dark rocks for the aquarium that we don't even have, the three of us stopped off at Olive Garden for a quick dinner of pasta and sodium. The place was oddly busy for 7pm on a Tuesday night, so service was a bit slow and that gave me plenty of time to chat with the kids about why we weren't getting a snake.

Eventually, our food arrived and we all feasted on it like piranha on flesh (ewwwwww, that was a really gross analogy!) and at one point D got kinda quiet and started to look uncomfortable. I asked him if he was ok, and he casually waved a chicken finger in my general direction and stated, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I HAVE TO GO NUMBER 2 RIGHT NOW." Ok then. I sent him to the bathroom, then sat back down with M and waited for him to come back. Waited, waited, waited...waited...finally got a little concerned and headed back towards the bathroom right as D came marching out. He very loudly announced, "Man, I pooped for so long that I got to hear an entire song while I was in there!" I didn't even bother to look around for reactions from the people nearest to us. Just held my head high, walked back to our table and finished our meal.

I ordered dessert to go and didn't let the kids get any and I am now gorging on my black tie mousse cake in the comfort of my own home, in my own pajamas, in my comfy recliner. I'm not blind to the fact that I ate dinner until I was stuffed to the gills, then came home and ate yet more food that I didn't need to eat, directly after I bought a crate with which to discipline the overweight dog that won't stop begging for more food after she's already eaten plenty. I can see the irony. Y'all don't have to point it out.

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