Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Word of the day: klutz

Klutz: (n) a clumsy, awkward or foolish person.

Mornings before school are pretty typical with my two youngest kiddos. I groggily roll out of the bed while they hippity hop their hyper asses all over the house, doing everything but getting dressed and eating breakfast like they ought to. No one should be that energetic two minutes after climbing out of bed first thing in the morning.

After much prompting and several empty threats, M picks out precisely the right outfit, making sure to catapult several of her discarded choices all around her room. She then primps and does her hair eleven different ways before deciding she'll just wear it down like she does 99% of the time. D sits on the couch in nothing but boxer briefs, fiercely grasping his beloved Pokémon cards and growling at anyone who dares to come near them. The dogs go totally out of their minds waiting for me to take them out and feed them. We run out of maple syrup and have to call our wonderful neighbors to borrow some. The neighbor kid graciously brings the syrup to our door, my little ones excitedly answer the door, and my dogs giddily barrel their way out the door. That doesn't actually happen like ever, but today it did, and I was not prepared for it.

We live on a pretty busy road, so the dogs could easily get hit by a car in their frantic rush to find and eat all of the cat poop in the near vicinity of our house. When I realized the dogs were out, I dashed out the door and started uselessly yelling at them and chasing them all up and down my yard. After slipping in the wet grass no less than four times, I finally caught up with Jack, the bigger of the two dogs, but I caught him by the tail and apparently he does not like that. He let out a vicious growl and barked his displeasure at me, scaring the kids, but I finally managed to get him by the collar while laying in the wet grass. Yay me! I stood up feeling quite proud of myself, but not realizing that I was standing on the edge of my pants, so I kind of totally pulled my own pants down in full view of the aforementioned busy road. That was awesome. I then fell three times while trying to wrangle the dog and pull my pants up, but I got that wretched beast in the house and ran back out the door to capture Rosie. She disdainfully stared at me while she peed in our garden and I seized the opportunity to snatch her up and set her little piggy butt inside the house.

Then I rushed back in the house praying that the grilled cheese I was making M for her lunch wasn't burning, which thankfully it wasn't, and I was panting like cray cray and my legs were shaking and I looked at the kids and said, "I'm not much for exercise before eight in the morning." D snorted and replied, "Yeah, like you ever exercise." Unfortunately, I couldn't really get mad at him because he is a hundred and fifty percent correct in his sarcastic musing.

Happy Tuesday. May your morning not be filled with dogs trying to eat cat poop and kids making fun of you for your sedentary lifestyle. That is all.

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