Friday, July 13, 2012

Word of the day: unexpected


Unexpected: (adj) not expected or regarded as likely to happen.

It's late.

I'm tired.

By this time of night, I generally conduct my parenting by sleepily hollering from my recliner across the house at my kids to "BRUSH YOUR TEETH!" "STOP HITTING!" "DON'T SPIT YOUR TOOTHPASTE OUT ON YOUR BROTHER'S HEAD!" "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN SWEAR OR HIT EACH OTHER!"

These things definitely need to be said, but by 9 p.m. I have generally run out steam and just pray that my kids can sense my exhaustion and decide that obedience is better than fun.

HA.

HA HA HA HA.

Yeah, right.

I heard my youngest son and only daughter laughing hysterically and knew, instinctively, that brushing their teeth wasn't THAT fun and by default their laughter must be related to something other than oral hygiene. That and a smell that I couldn't place prompted my lazy self to get out of my recliner and head to their side of the house to investigate.

I didn't really notice anything out of the ordinary - that is, if you don't count children climbing door jambs to be out of the ordinary - and after ordering my son and daughter off of two different door jambs, took them both by the shoulder to issue a stern warning to BRUSH YOUR F#!^ING TEETH.

That was when I noticed that their shoulders were awfully powdery. Which is weird...I don't recall them having a reason or a medical condition that would cause them to feel powdery.

Then I noticed the carpet. And the walls. And the chairs. And their hair.

It was all covered in white, fragrant-smelling powder.

All at once I zeroed in on a lone bottle of Odor Eaters which had been purchased in recent months in an attempt to combat the intensely overwhelming smell of my oldest son's shoes. I'm not sure I've won that battle...his foot stink does something to his shoes that causes a smell that is wrong. It's just wrong. So, so wrong.

Anyways. This Odor Eaters bottle was laying haphazardly on his floor, not where he usually leaves it, and suddenly the unidentified smell makes sense. As does the powdery shoulders. These kids, these lovely, funny, smart, ridiculous kids, had decided that an Odor Eaters foot powder war would be FUN! Oh it's so much fun! Let's spray foot powder EVERYWHERE and see how much fun Mommy has when she discovers it!

Joke's on you, guys...it wasn't very fun. You had to vacuum. With a stinky, dog-smelling vacuum that you have no clue how to use. Late at night, when you should have been tucked safely in bed, sleeping soundly and dreaming of days that didn't consist of FOOT POWDER WARS.

This is the stuff that obstetricians should warn their patients about. Not, "Oh, your baby might not sleep through the night for 12 weeks" or "Your baby might still be nursing when it gets teeth and OMG watch out for that" or "babies cry and poop a lot, hahaha". They should tell you, "Hey, babies grow up and develop minds of their own that tell them it would be HILARIOUS to spray foot powder all over their parents house 30 minutes after they should have been sound asleep in their beds so their exhausted parents could actually relax at the end of the day". That is what should be in the informative little pamphlets all throughout OB offices.

So, consider this your public service announcement. This kind of thing actually happens, and generally when you're way too tired to deal with it properly. I'm pretty sure there's still some foot powder somewhere in the hallway of my house and frankly, I don't care. At least it smells good.

Holla.

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